Golden Flower
by MacWriters Association
Summary: Looking for a unique Mary Sue parody? This isn't it. A Canadian girl sneaks into Hogwarts and discovers her evil past while being hunted by a predator of the unconventional kind.rated M for sexual crude humour.BLUES CLUES CROSSOVER ENDING!
1. Hockey Game

**Disclaimer: Yeah, that's right, I'm disclaiming it. Even though it would make the average reader cry if it wasn't parody.  
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Sunday was dismal as always for Magnolia Rubidium DaVinci--for one thing, it was laundry day, and for another thing, it was church day, which Magnolia's rebel nature had made her hate. Ever since her father, Abraham, had been falsely accused locked up in some British prison, she had become more enclosed in her own world. Today, she had elected to sneak out of church to go to the hockey finals and aid her team, the Ontario Retarded Ducks. She was hardly another Hentai Kisaragi, the team's star player, but her team needed her for added tactical strength.

Magnolia--or as her friends called her, Katsa--stepped onto the ice with little confidence. The opposing team's goalie was almost three times her size (she was easily the smallest player on the ice). How was she ever going to get the puck past him? She couldn't screw up this game, especially when she'd hopped a flight to Britain behind her mother's back just to be there. She wound her way to the center of the ice, gazing into its surface: the same bright, sparkling white of her eyes. The black puck gleamed in the air momenterily after the face off, and Katsa had virtually only seconds to steal it from the competition.

Hentai gave Katsa a wink as she sped off with the puck, the rest of the players seeming leagues behind. Katsa sped faster and faster around the rink. Several people screamed in surprise for no reason she could see, but, undistracted, she propeled herself to behind the opponent's net, spontaneously getting a brilliant idea. With her stick, she scooped up the puck, and flung it right at the back of the goalie's fat head, where it bounced right off into the net.

"And it's 1-0 with Ontario in the lead, thanks to DaVinci. Already, this is proving to be quite a game," the commentator announced. "But wait, what's this? Britain's goalie, Dursley, isn't taking this too good. Oh, DaVinci, watch out!"

Katsa found herself on the ground, in pain, with some cracked ribs for sure, and possibly internal bleeding. She'd been attacked by the opponent's goalie and tackled to the ground. Groaning in discomfort, I helplessly lay there until Hentai was kind enough to escort me off of the ice, where I sat on a bench with resentment.

As goal after goal was scored, Katsa became increasingly miserable. Sure, they were winning, but she was stuck on the sidelines. "Hey, Heni," she called as soon as Hentai was within earshot. "WHy was everyone screaming before?"

"Are you kidding? You broke the sound barrier!" Hentai shouted. Could it be true? Katsa, a small-town Asian girl from Canada, flying across the ice at supersonic speed? Even she herself was reluctant to believe it, though everyone heard the sonic boom.

More sooner than later, the game was over, an easy victory for the Retarded Ducks. That big freak Dursley abled over to meet his parents, while Katsa watched with fury, longing for sweet vengance. Then, suddenly, on the back of his uniform burst a flicker of flame. Katsa let out a near silent wave of evil laughter as the flames spread. "DIDDY, YOU"RE ON FIRE!" his mother exclained, as he began to roll on the ground idiodically. The last thing he saw before fainting was Magnolia Rubidium DaVinci's radiant smile and flash of brightly dyed, shiny hair. Having achieved her goal, she too let herself slip into unconciousness.

* * *

A/N: I cannot believe I've allowed this story to erupt from my vigorously typing fingertips, even if it is only a joke. Yes, she's related to Leonardo DaVinci, and also Merlin and probably Jesus. Review if you want to send flames, laughter, love, hate, whatever! Just make it worth my time. Oh, and did you like the part where I switched to first person for a few sentences? 


	2. Ah, the Angst

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following story, except the dreadful Rubidium girl.**

Magnolia Rubidium DaVinci awoke in some strange, foriegn hospital bed. Various gifts adorned the nighttable, but more importantly, a boy sat in a chair beside her. "I was hoping you'd wake up soon," he said, his deep emerald eyes sparkling with concern. He stroked her chocolate brown hair, visually digesting its razor cut and the shocking pink and soft yellow streaks in her bangs. "I'm Harry Potter, by the way."

"Never heard of you," Katsa bluntly muttered, barely sitting up, still in her hockey jersey, but with no pants on. She pulled the blankets over her in embarrasment--had he just been sitting there while she was asleep, or doing something more? "So, what happened? Did I get flown into a hospital or something?" she asked.

"Yeah," said Harry, running a hand through his raven hair to make it look as if he'd just gotten off a broom. "Yeah, after you set my cousin on fire."

"I did that?" Katsa asked, her bright eyes widening. "How?"

Harry took a pensive sigh. "I'm not entirely sure, but I think you're a witch," he answered. _No_, she thought. _This sort of thing only happens in books!_ "Look, that's not what I came here to tell you."

Magnolia already kind of knew. Somehow, she felt they shared a connection. Even more strangely, she felt the same way about several people she'd met--what was it? Telepathy? "My aunt and uncle are sueing you."

Every inch of her brain screamed with shock as she sat bolt upright. "Sueing me? How could they? How could they even connect me to the incedent?" Katsa shook with fear as she thought of what could happen. She was a sixteen year old girl in a strange country with a single mother back in Canada who worked two jobs just to be able to buy food--heck, she'd _stowed away in a cargo hold of a plane to Britain_--"I'm completely and utterly dead! My mom's going to kill me!" she realized. "Oh, Harry Potter, can you do something to help me?"

"Come to Hogwarts with me," he offered. "It's a magical school," he continued in response to her awkward look. "I've got connections there. There's this guy named Dumbledore, I'm sure he'll be able to sort everything out."

"Thanks," she said as he began to walk away. "I might consider it. Unlikely, though. I'm Magnolia, by the way, but you call me Katsa."

As soon as Harry was halfway down the hall, Katsa reached for a letter off of her stack of gifts: its return adress read _Abraham DaVinci, Azkaban Prison, Cell 666_ and was adressed to _Magnolia Rubidium DaVinci_. Tearing open the thick parchment, she feasted her eyes upon the words, and, as soon as she did, began to cry, making her look strangely alluring--

_My dearest Maggie,_

_It's nice to see you doing so well in hockey and keeping up your grades. I hope to hear from you soon--and I mean really soon, because it seems I'm not getting out on parole after all. I was considering not telling you, but I think you're old enough to know that execution day is within a month. They're going to gas up the place and kill us all. My only wish is to see your face one last time before I go, so please, don't deny a dead man his last wish._

_Don't do drugs and continue life without me. With love, _

_Dad._

"No," she said aloud, getting out of the hospital bed and forgetting she wasn't wearing any pants. She couldn't lose her fatherHe was the only person who truly understood her. Without his comfort, she felt like she could commit suicide, but she wasn't going to sit around and wait for him to die. It was time to plan a rescue.

"Harry! Wait!" she cried, running after the raven-haired boy and preparing to embark on her next adventure. Even from the distance, she could tell that he was blushing, and she could tell that he could tell that she was, too. "Take me to Hogwarts," she said confidently, her alluring smile leaving no trace of the angst that had overcome her seconde earlier.

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A/N: you wouldn't believe how unbelievebly easy Suethoring can be. You should try it sometime, and we can all waste precious bandwidth together. Well, tell me how gag-worthy it is! What are you waiting for, review! 


	3. Something Wicked This Way Cums

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise, although canon is nearly unrecognisable in this sickening piece of...well...I'm not sure I even have a word for it.**

Katsa was blending in rather well with the Hogwarts crowd, considering her brightly colored hair and the fact that she'd been escorted there by Harry Potter. She posed as a seventh year even though she was only 16, and donned Hufflepuff robes on Harry's suggestion--no one paid any attention to Hufflepuffs. In the few days of escaping into this strange new world, she'd discovered that Voldemort, a "dark lord" whose name seemed vaguely familiar, was still at large. Seventh-year Harry was doing all he could to stop his mortal enemy, and it was a wonder that Hogwarts had actually reopened.

She got through all of her classes with ease, especially since Harry let her borrow his wand, which she'd mistaken, to his great dismay, for a masturbation device at first. Surprisingly, she actually had to _try_ to be average instead of excel and be noticed by the general student body. Katsa thought everything was going fine, but, unbeknowest to her, a treacherous plot was brewing deep within the bowels of the Potions dungeon.

Professor Snape stared at the new student through the crack in the door and his layers of greasy, unwashed hair. "Hahahahaha," he caclked maniacally. "So, it appears there's a new student. That's just my cuppa tea. I will seduce her and then, with the use of my evil love potion, make her into my sex slave. Then...I don't know, I'll probably kill her like all the other American girls," he finished, not knowing that Magnolia Rubidium DaVinci was actually a Canadian girl, assuring the formidability to her quick wit and political openmindedness.

Katsa sat between a tall, redheaded boy and a girl with soulful, studious eyes and bushy brown hair. "Erm...hi," she said. "I'm Magnolia, but people call me Katsa."

"Nice to meet you," the girl said. "I'm Hermione Granger, and this is Ron Weasley."

"GRANGER! SHUT UP!" the professor barked rudely. "I see we have a new student," he began, eyeing Katsa down his hooked nose, a toothy, yellow grin forming on his vile mouth. "You. New girl. State your name or I'll Legilimens it out of you."

"Magnolia Rubidium DaVinci," Katsa said in a rushed mutter. She began to read some instructions on the board, but the teacher's sinister voice distracted her eyes.

"Class, you each have a different set of instructions in front of you. Follow them exactly and we'll se what you've got at the end," he said. Katsa picked up her instructions, written on the back of an old shopping list, and began to mix her potion, first adding caviar, then boiling water, then a pinch of nmnvgfhj lkshk, stirring 3 times counterclockwise, then drizzling..boy, this was complicated.

"What's that?" Hermione asked as she watched Katsa worked vigorously.

"There's no title on the instructions," Katsa said, still working faster than anyone else. She was almost finished now, just a few more stirs.

"Stop making it," Hermione advised., a look of concern on her innocent-intentioned face as she sensed a plot. "It's a love potion that will bond you to the first person you touch. And it literally means 'person,' so it could be a girl or something."

"But I've just finished making it," Katsa said.

"Time's up," the professor, whose name, judging from conversations around the room, was Snape, hissed. "Miss DaVinci, you've made yours completely wrong. Drink it," he ordered. Hermione shook her head, shedding a crystalline tear, and not just from the fumes of her potion. It was impossible--she'd made it perfectly right. Then, as if a burst of light had erupted in her brain, Katsa realized what the vile, foul-smelling teacher was trying to do. It should have been apparent--he'd been staring down her shirt at her firm bosoms the whole time.

"I don't think that's safe," she lied. "If I've made it wrong, I might die."

"You won't die," he said in a more comforting tone, grabbing onto her hand. "Just drink it."

Not falling for Snape's sick pedophilic scheme, Katsa narrowed her snow-colored eyes, which were alluringly obscured by a tuft of yellow-and-pink paneled hair. Her other hand balled into a fist, and she gave the professor a smack to the eye so hard, half of his oily face turned a dark, blood-tinged violet. He snarled with infuriation, but Katsu simply shirped, "Oops, I'm going to be late for Muggle Studies. I'd better get going now." She faked it so well that no one could speculate that a few days ago, she hadn't even known the word "muggle".

"That was bloody brilliant," Ronwhispered to her on the way out. On his walk down the corridor, he noticed that Hermione's hair now fell in soft, shiny waves that glimmered like an autmn sunset, unaware that this was also Magnolia's inadverdent doing.

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A/N: You have to agree, if there's one person in HP who's a child molester, it would be Snape. Just a play on the usual "Mary Sue and Snape" bit.

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	4. Most Wanted

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, I am not JKR. A/N: Warning: the reading of Mary Sue fiction may cause one to spontaneously combust, as I nearly did writing it. Good thing this is only a joke.**

In roughly a week, Katsa had become more popular at Hogwarts than any other transfer student, having all mysteriously disappeared, had ever been. Though Harry, Ron and Hermione enjoyed her company and quirky jokes, her best friends became Neville and Luna. Katsa spent her days playing pranks on anyone she found horrible and disgusting, i.e. spiking Snape's juice with something very convenient she'd invented herself called "slash", getting Crabbe and Goyle stuck in the Vanishing Cabinet,disappearing people's clothing, ect. She'd also managed to put Hufflepuff in the lead in terms of house points, but something still troubled her.

"I need a job," she said, while eating a scone at breakfast.

"Why?" Luna asked. Katsa felt a lump in her throat. How could she explain her burden to her friend?

"I'm being sued," she explained.

"That's awful!" Luna exclaimed. "I could get you a job at The Quibbler if you like."

Katsa cringed. "Not that you're not the voice of reason in every conversation, Luna," she began, "But newspaper's not my thing. I couldn't write to save my life!"

Just then, an attractive, redheaded girl with cute freckles walked up to them with a letter. "I'm looking for a Miss Lovegood and a Miss DaVinci. Invitations to a banquet this afternoon for the year's top students," she expalained.

"Oh, thanks, Ginny," Luna said, preparing to give Katsa her envelope, but Katsa was already heading down the corridor. "Katsa! Kat, what are you doing?" Luna called.

"Come on," Katsa beckoned in a hushed voice as soon as Luna had caught up. "I'm going into Hogsmeade, whatever that is, to try and get a job." The two of them began to climb up a winding staircase.

"Wow! Do you know any secret passageways?"

"Yeah, one," Katsa muttered. Steeling her will, she jumped out the nearest window and landed softly on the ground, and Luna, with a shrug, followed.

* * *

Upon their arrival at Hogsmeade, KAtsa found herself amazed by the various colorful shops and the several boarded windows, but forced herself to stay on track: she was looking for quick cash. "We could work in a candy store," Luna suggested, "Or be vampire hunters!" 

"Vampire hunters! That sounds cool," Katsa piped up, "But it has to be something we can periodically sneak out of school to do without anyone missing us."

"We're missing the smart people banquet," Luna commented, but Katsa was too busy staring at a blinking sign that had answered her prayers:

**Playboy: Wizard's Edition**

"Oh my gosh, this is perfect!" Katsa squealed, but Luna was having secont thoughts as she was being pulled into the small building for the photo shoot. A strange man with too many tattoos looked over her and her friend, bearing down on each of her flaws, every miniscule tangle of her lucious, caramel hair, and finally said,

"We can use the scene kid, but not you."

Katsa approached him sweetly. "Sir, me and my friend Luna always work together, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd at least let her stay and get a picture taken." He shook his head.

"Kid, you're cover material!" he said, stroking her olive cheek, "But your friend--no. Just forget it." Katsa touched his hand in delicate movement, feeling her way up his arm and into a strangling hold around his throat with a glimmering smile. "Okay, we'll use her too," he choked out as she let go of his neck. "Alright, um...both of you, loosen your ties a bit, undo the first few buttons of your shirts..."

Katsa unbuttoned to reveal a bra that resembled the Canadian flag, but Luna was reluctant to besmirch the good name of Hogwarts by appearing in a dirty photo shoot wearing the school tie. To the photographer's great surprise and pleasure, she removed her entire uniform, making Katsa feel inclined to remove her skirt and reveal matching panties. Picture after picture was taken, some of them showing the two girls' true bond of friendship, others looking as if they were about to catfight, even some looking like the visual equivalent of adult fan fiction, complete with the biting and the licking and all that jazz.

"Thank you ladies," the photographer said, handing each of them a check.

"One hundred Galleons," Katsa read excitedly. "How much is that in regular money?"

"Hey, I only got fifty!" Luna complained, straighening her uniform as the two of them walked back up to the school.

* * *

Neville, Katsa, and Luna were sitting in the Great Hall recounting the events of the day, when, out of the corner of her eye, Katsa caught Harry Potter reading something very familiar--too familiar--it had her picture on it! Leaning over, she saw the photo of herself and Luna, wind blowing in their hair, both of them looking lustful and ready to snog. And worse--the picture _moved_. What an awkward, somewhat sensual horror it was to watch her own silver eyes blink alluringly at her from the page, the soft yellow and blinding pink streaks in her choppily layered, chocolate hair blowing in a fan's breeze on paper.

"Potter, that's a prohibited publication. Thirty points from Gryffindor," Professor Snape said, taking up his magazine. "And Magnolia, another ten points from Gryffindor for being on the cover!"

"But I'm in Hufflepuff!" Katsa protested in attempt to defend her friends, but Snape didn't look like he cared. She was just about to return to her conversation with Neville and Luna about sticking Pansy to a bottle of mustard with a Permanent Sticking Charm, but was unnerved by the sight of Draco, Harry, and Ron staring at her and elbowing each other. In their whispers, Ron had presumably said something offensive, and soon, the three of them were fistfighting. They began to shoot curses at each other, each of them on the floor wrestling, while a small crowd, led by Katsa, gathered around, chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

"What the heck are you guys fighting over?" she asked between her hoots and giggles at the ridiculous spectacle.

Draco looked up, his steely grey eyes filled with shock and admiration as they locked onto her snowy silver ones. His voice was shaky and hollow as he sputtered, "You."

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A/N: The most important thing in writing a Suefic is for every major male character to want her. I think I may start turning my author's notes into informational guides. Review! Come on, you know you want to flame. 


	5. Romance and Revelations

**Disclaimer: I niether own it nor illegall claim to own it. Somebody slap me, this is actually getting kind of fun. Fun fact: this is based off a story I did when I was a fifth grade Suethor. Please don't kill me, it's parody now!  
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Katsa paced around the Hufflepuff common room on an angsty rant. "I can't believe it!" she sputtered, "How can they be spilling blood over me!" Even though any male who was fighting over her hand in an intimate relationship had only gotten minor cuts, it was still devastating. She already had enough to worry about, what with virtually being an illegal immigrant, time running out for her father, and Snape running around with a picture of her in a naughty magazine. Most girls would thing it nice for Harry, Draco, and Ron to offer to help her with homework, talk sweetly to her, and offer her rides on broomsticks, and that Malfoy had stopped calling her "mudblood" after a day, but for Katsa, it was overwhelming and annoying. The three had been her friends a few days ago, but now they had become her stalkers.

"No one understands my pain," she sobbed, lying facedown on the couch. "I wish all those idiots would just go away!"

"Oh, do you now?" droned a high pitched voice. Katsa didn't move, but out of the corner of her eye, saw a head in the fire, its slitted, garnet colored eyes slowly blinking. "I'll bet you just want them to all disappear. I can help you get rid of those buffoons once and for all. And it would be suiting my needs as well--my grudge against Potter for surviving my wrath, my grudge against Malfoy's father, and my detestment of the Weasleys."

Yes, Katsa thought, that's what I want. The sight of him sent a shiver down her spine, along with a wave of unexplained, lustful anger. She was sure she knew him, but it was all just too unusual. "Have we met?" she asked shakily.

"Would you like to meet?" the snakelike, ghastly, dismsmbered-looking head asked. In truth, Katsa would very much like to meet him, but was nervous about what might happen. Finally, in a burst of random bravery, she nodded her head. "Come tonight to the Hog's Head Inn in Hogsmeade. I'll make sure there's enough loud music and partying so we won't be overheard. The name's Voldemort, by the way."

Still peering out of the corner of her eye, Katsa was unaftaid, even though this was the very Dark Lord she'd been told about. Somehow, he was like a ghost of a memory. "Magnolia," she introduced herself. "See you tonight," she said, taking him up on his offer before he vanished into the flame.

"Katsa! There's something you should see!" Luna shouted, running into the Hufflepuff common room somehow without a password and holding a copy of _The Quibbler_. "I think you're the reincarnation of Tina Ravina."

"Who?" Katsa asked with confusion as Luna thrust the newspaper in her hands, open to the headline, _Voldemortina Lives._

"What? What the hell is--"

"Read it!" Luna commanded. Katsa began to skim the words, brought closer to tears with every sentence:

_The Wizarding world's newest star, Magnolia DaVinci, is suspected to in fact be none other that Tina Ravina, the Dark Lord's evil bride, otherwise known as Voldemortina, sources say. Tina has been believed to have died sixteen years ago, when Voldemort killed her in the fear that she would destroy his life's work. Now, we see her on the cover of _Playboy_, looking not a day over sixteen. How could this happen? Who knows._

So, that was why she felt such a connection to Voldemort. A million questions were left to be answered. "So, I'm not actually ralated to Leo DaVinci," Katsa speculated.

"You're not, but if you really are Voldemortina, you're related to Merlin and probably Jesus," Luna explained. "So, any plans?"

Despite the look of shock on Luna's face, Katsa would go through with her appointment after saying, "I'm going to see him tonight."

* * *

As could be expected, Draco, Ron, and Harry had followed Katsa to the Hog's Head, where a wild disco party was taking place. Each was staring with admiration as she swiveled her hips sensually on the dance floor. Her shiny gold pants perfectly highlighted her slender, gorgeous figure, and she paired them with a lacy pink jacket adorned with ribbons worthy of Hepzibah Smith, except she could actually pull it off. 

"You'd think someone would notice all the Death Eaters and Voldemort in the mosh pit," Ron muttered. It was true: almost every third person in the immediate vicinity was evil. Katsa seemed to be enjoying a friendly conversation with Fenrir Greyback, infuriating the boys because she had not talked to them all day. Well, except for when she'd started bawling when Harry broke her the awful news that Dumbledore couldn't free her poor Daddykins.

"I wish I was that short, psycho-looking guy by Magnolia," Ron droned.

Draco's mind was wandering. With no prior warning, he said, "I wonder what would happen if that ice sculpture fell down." He promptly proceeded to try to knock it down, but decided to steal it instead.

Meanwhile, Katsa was swerving through the crowd with dance-like movements until suddenly, she was face-to-face with Voldemort. "Magnolia?" he asked in surprise. "You're--"

"They call me Katsa, but I believe _you_ used to call me _Tina_."

"I should have known they'd clone you," he said coldly, " What with that prophecy and all...Now, about these people we'd both like to exterminate."

"What prophecy?" Katsa demanded, shaking Voldemort by the robes. She'd come for answers, and wasn't going to let him blow over her past.

"Fine," he said. "Where to begin...Tina Ravina, Katsa, whatever they call you, you used to be my lover. We were the most feared dark couple of all the land. Then a prophecy was made, saying that you would destroy me. I should have known it could easily be a fake...and I murdered you. If I could go back to that moment I'd do it all differently."

A sparkling diamond tear fell from his crimson eyes, and Katsa nearly began to cry, too. With a willowy, delicate hand, she stroked his bald head, only now, it was covered in thick waves of brown hair. His appearence was instantly human again, just like he looked in his sixth year at Hogwarts, before all this Dark Lord business and dreadful war.

"How are you doing that?" Voldemort asked in awe, examining his flawlessly human hand.

"I have no earthly idea," Katsa admitted, pulling herself closer to him. "Make me one of yours," she pleaded sweetly, grasping his hand.. "Make me one of your Death Eaters."

"_Morsmorde,_" Voldemort whispered, pointing his wand at Katsa's wrist, never taking the gaze of his ruby orbs off his Asian beauty as she felt the searing pain of love.

"We can go on like this forever, together and happy," she offered, turning the tables on the meeting. "I will rule at your side, but you must do one thing for me." She batted her snowy come-hither eyes in a way that Voldemort couldn't resist.

"Anything," Voldemort said, holding her closer as the deafening music gor louder.

"In addition to those three suitors of mine, kill Severus Snape. Then I will be yours."

"No can do."

Before he could expect it, Katsa smacked him across his snakelike face, and not in a girlie slap, mind you, but a hard, dignified punch. "Very well," she said coolly, "Then I will take my business elsewhere."

As she walked away, hips swaying, Voldemort couldn't help but smile--that was Voldemortina if he'd ever known her.


	6. Captive

**Disclaimer: Sing it with me: I don't own it, I don't own it, I don't own it! And I know it's parody, but could you guys just pretend that it's not and actually review?  
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As if Katsa hadn't enough to sob about, she had made the biggest blunder of her life. Voldemort was hor only chance of true love, the only one her eyes recognised as the perfect soulmate, and she'd completely blown it. "Curse my pugnacious nature!" she cried, laying on the Hufflepuff common room sofa and sobbing once more. "Oh Tom, if only I could make it up to you." But there wasn't time to angst at the moment, or she'd be pulling the plug on her father's life.

Newly determined, she decided to go out and accomplish the goal for which she'd infiltrated the school in the first place. On her right, Luna passed by with an approving look. "Nice outfit," she said, commenting on the gold pants and flambouyant jacket that Katsa was still wearing. "I need to go find my Star Wars memorabilia. People have been nicking my stuff again. Bye," she said in a rush.

"Wait!" Katsa called after her, "I could really use your help. You see, I'm going to Azkaban to try and break out my father--"

"Well, forget my stupid idea," Luna piped up, "Let's go! Even though I've only known you for two weeks, why not!" Katsa smiled warmly, glad that she had a faithful and reasonable best friend like Luna. "I'll get Neville, too. Meet me where we jumped out the window last time."

Katsa nodded her head, and ran as fast as she could to the tower, jumped out, and awaited Luna and Neville's arrival. She couldn't believe she was about to take such a risk: before Hogsmeade, the furthest she'd ever snuck out was to the next apartment building to play knock-and-run...then she remembered her stowaway flight across the Atlantic Ocean, regretting she hadn't hijacked the plane.

A tap on her shoulder brought her wandering mind back to the real world, and Neville mouthed, _lead the way._ Katsa had no idea where to find Azkaban, but with the moral compass in her heart guiding her, she knew she couldn't fail.

"What's that?" Neville whispered suddenly. What could it possibly be? It was the middle of nowhere and snowing mercilessly. Then, listening closely, Katsa heard it too. An unearthly snarl echoed from the depths of the snowy hilltops, and a blinding ping wolf shot out from out of nowhere and sprinted directly at Luna!

Neville watched in horror as Luna struggled to fight the pink monstrosity. He knew that if something ever happened to her, he'd be completely alone and isolated, what with Harry and Ron spending all their time chasing after Magnolia Rubidium DaVinci. By himself, he was isolated, but with Luna, they were together, and at the moment when he'd realized his inevidable love for her, he lunged at the creature, grabbing it by the neck and holding it to the ground until it was unconcious.

"Luna! Are you okay?" he gasped. "Wake up!" Her body twitched, but her eyes remained closed. There was only one solution: administer CPR. He pressed his lips to hers, praying for her to hold onto the bonds of concrete life, stroking back her honey-colored waves of hair. With the full moon above as witness, Luna's eyes opened, and she appeared as if she was kissing Neville back by accident. Katsa watched in awe as the two of them shared their saliva passionately, not realizing that she was leaning on the wall of Azkaban Prison.

"One question: why didn't you kill the wolf?" Katsa asked.

"That's Nymphadora Tonks," Neville explained. "I know her. She went out with a werewolf against her better judgement, and...well...we that know don't really like to talk about it..." Katsa lingered on his words for several minutes, debating herself like mad. Could she, to, be getting herself into trouble by becoming involved with a man as dangerous as Voldemort? Then again, how bad could it be? She'd done it before...and died.

"Hey, check it out!" Luna exclaimed, pointing at the building. "I knew it! I always knew true love could shatter the natural laws of the space-time continuum!" Concentrating hard, Katsa tried to use telepathy to locate and free her father, but, before anyone knew what was happening, a fierce, cold, slimy Dementor appeared out of nowhere. Luna and Neville had their invisible shield of affection protecting them, but Katsa was alone and afraid.

"I thought Harry told me these things had deserted this place," she muttered as the Demontor loomed closer toward her, lifting its hood and revealing its eyeless face. It pinned her against the wall and pressed its mouth to hers, but, remembering a vital fact, hatched a devious scheme.

If this paragraph did not mention that Katsa had no feelings for the Dementor, any bystander would have been fooled. She put her arms around his waist and stuck her tongue in its vile mouth, nearly gagging, but faking well enough. Within instants, the Dementor began to give off a faint red glow, but then it grew brighter. Gaping holes formed in its slimy flesh, through which beams of red light shined until finally, it exploded and simmered into ash.

"How--how--" someone's voice asked.

"I'm a clone," Katsa explained. "I have no soul. The Dementy-thingy got confused, and self destructed, I guess," she explained. A pair of strong arms held her in an embrace from behind.

"That's my girl," said the voice Katsa now recognised to be her father's. The explosion of the Dementor had blown through a segment of the wall that coincidentally made up a part of his cell and set him free!

"Oh, Daddykins, you're okay!" Katsa squealed. "Thanks for your help guys," she called to Neville and Luna, who had begun to walk away hand in hand. "Wire this to Mom," she instructed her father. "I have some unfinished business to attend to."

"STOP! HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER, YOU FIEND!" someone screamed from the giant hole in the wall, having run out from the adjacent cell, with the exact same brown hair and shabby appearance as Katsa's father, Abraham DaVinci. "Magnolia, he's an impostor! Don't listen to him!"

Before Katsa could sort it out, the 'impostor' coldly said, "Say bye-bye," and, grabbing her hand, Apparated the both of them to places unknown.

* * *

A/N: Shoutout to Jacinda, who said that I'm so weird, if I got kissed by a Dementor I'd steal his soul.

* * *


	7. The Half Blood Plothole

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. A/N: Did I scare you with that cliffhanger? Don't worry, Katsa's going to be alive and well to annoy you guys even more!  
**

Katsa awoke facedown with her hair in her eyes, hands tied behind her, unaware that she'd even been unconcious. "Where am I?" she murmered. The last thing she'd remembered was freeing her father, but somehow, there were two of him...

"Hello, my sweet," a deep, sickly deranged voice droned from within the shadows. Gazing through the darkness, Katsa realized that iron bars bound her into a four foot radius. "You sure have done a great job of evading me these last couple of weeks. But who would have known that I was always watching, lurking in the shadows..." A pair of beady eyes stared at her through the black blanket of darkness, and she finally caught on to the fact that she'd been stripped down to her undergarments.

"Who--who are you?" Katsa whispered in shock, but she need not have asked: for with a pinch of moonlight and excellent night vision, she could see the greasy and decay-ridden features of Severus Snape. He must have used Polyjuice Potion to trick her into thinking he was her father, she deducted. Never before had she thought him a mentally distorted, disgustingly oriented slimeball like she thought now. In his hand, he held a vial of swirling, pink liquid: the same that she had made and subsequently almost been forced to drink on her first day. As Snape continued his rant of her captivating beauty, she heard a faint sawing at the bars, and turned to see a rescue party of Ron, Harry, and Draco.

"Oh, Magnolia Rubidium DaVinci, did you really think we'd let you get violated by Snape?" Ron asked dreamily, attempting to cut the strong metal bars with a plastic knife.

"You guys," she whispered, "How could a person such as myself put you under such a spell of blindness? Hasn't it been clear that your pathetic attempts at my heart only bother me?"

"You like me better, don't you?" Draco asked with a wide smile.

"If I told you, it would be an informational level vulnerability," she said flatly, leaving him with a confused look on his smug, stupid face.

"Come on, Magnolia, I brought you here. You owe everything to me," Harry reminded her.

"Oh, do I?" she asked with annoyance. "You know what, I'm tired of you guys. You can all just face tha wrath of Voldemortina, or something," she muttered, and, without another word to the confused, awestruck boys, killed them wandlessly and wordlessly, only with her mind, leaving their corpses appearing as if they'd been frightened to death.

Snape moved closer, not noticing the three new corpses amid the sea of dead American transfer students with dazzling hair and perfectly curved grey figures, many of their sparkling, multitoned eyes still open. "Now, you pretty little American transfer student, it's time to take your medicine," Snape croaked, looming closer with the vial of vile potion. But then in the distance, Katsa saw a glimmer of hope...

"I'm Canadian," she corrected.

"And that's relevant why?"

"Because I have friends!" Right on cue, swinging in on a rope, through he window crashed the heroic trio of Luna, Neville, and--Voldemort?

"No! You'll never stop me! DaVinci will be my love slave and then die at my hands!" Snape announced. He threw the potion at her, and though none of it got in her mouth, the breaking glass made cuts along her arm, and the majority of the reeking liquid seeped into her bloodstream. Instead of falling for the first man she touched, KAtsa immediately felt an inclination toward Snape--it was a if he'd spiked the stuff with his DNA.

"Noooo!" Voldemort screamed, running toward Snape. "Avada Kedavra!" he cried, wand aimed at Snape, who fell in a shrieking frenzy.

"Bombarda!" Luna and Neville shouted in unison, creating a blast on Katsa's cage that completely demolished the metal frame, sending her flying into the wall, then bouncing off with decades' worth of corpses to break her fall. "Are you okay?" Neville asked.

"No," she mumbled mournfully, "I'll never be okay again."

"What do you mean?" Voldemort asked, looking upon his exhausted and angst-ridden lover. "You were so close to becoming some kind of...'love slave', did he say?...to that horrible little--Oh, I'm sorry, Katsa. I should have listened to you before. I should've--"

"YOU KILLED HIM!" Katsa shrieked angrily, grabbing hold of Voldemort's neck and putting a halt to his breathing. Where there was once compassion in her eyes, there was only anger. Voldemort's love and reason to go on with his spread of evil, his fiesty golden flower, had been reduced to a raging fireball of a mindslave to a dead traitor. "I'll kill you, you loathsome, disgusting, disease-carrying--"

Gasping for air and on the brink of cardiac arrest from a broken heart, Voldemort grabbed Katsa by the face and kissed her. It was all he could think of doing--unlike his many enemies, he could not hate her, but felt only undying care for her, and for Tina Ravina, the predecessor to this beautiful clone. He only hoped and prayed that she could take him back, that somehow, by some miracle, the effects of the potion would wear off and she'd cease to lust for that repulsive Snape.

Then, suddenly, the pure love in Voldemort's heart began to reforge the tender connection between himself and Katsa. As she kissed him back, his features turned human again at an inhuman rate. His newly rekindled ability to feel compassion would have made him invincible to Harry Potter if he wasn't already dead, and the wearing off of the potion used on Katsa would have cased Snape to sie as his chromosomes broke down if _he_ was not already dead.

"So, what now, love?" Voldemort said, after Katsa had let go of his throat and wound her arms around him.

"Well, I'm already in my underwear," Katsa said, and Voldemort knew exactly what she meant. She giggled maniacally like a true evil queen as Voldemort gently penatrated her. "I always knew my first time would be on top of a pile of dead and decaying bodies," she moaned, completely oblivious to the fact Luna and Neville had followed their example, or that they were lying on a grotesquely decaying body that was a near perfect replica of Katsa, with nearly the same haircut: Tina's corpse that the foul Snape lunatic had stolen from the morgue.


	8. Evilly Ever After

**Disclaimer: I doth not owneth the universeth of HP...eth. Or Blues Clues.  
**

Katsa had spent the next few days recovering in the hospital wing--apparently, Snape had been making the love poion wrong for years and it would usually kill its victim**s **within a few weeks...that is, if he hadn't disposed of them earlier. Her only visitor had been some young, mysterious Tom, who had _no connection to Voldemort whatsoever_, or so school officials thought. It escaped even Katsa herself how she was able to turn him human again. It had been nearly a month since a missing persons' report had been filed for her in Canada, but she was doubting her intentions on going back the day when she was released from Madam Pomfrey's care.

"Oh, I'm so proud of you!" a redheaded woman cried, hugging a confused Katsa. "You've solved the mystery of all the missing and unusually beautiful American transfer students! Oh, you must come over sometime! Maybe you can make Bill change his mind about Fleur..."

"Do I know you?" Katsa asked, her face scrunching from the deadly-tight grip of the woman's hug.

Neville and Luna, still inseperable, walked into the hospital wing to greet their friend, just as the creepy stranger relinquished her grip. "Oh my gosh you guys!" Katsa greeted them, enveloping them into a group embrace. "Thank you so much for coming to my rescue!"

"We should be thanking you!" Neville said, "Without your friendship and dragging us into twisted circumstances, we never would have realized our true feelings for each other." Katsa smiled sweetly. As much as she completely detested any cutesy relationship, she was happy for the young couple--without each others' protection, they might inadverdently be killed by dark forces such as herself, not to mention be completely isolated and miserable.

"Well, Katsa, you can return to Canada with your family now," Voldemort offered, "Or you can completely estrange them in favor of extreme naughtiness and world domination."

Her devious smile brought a smile to his lips as well. "Yeah, I think I'll go with the second one."

"What?" asked the redhead woman, opening doors to conversation and suspicion throughout the room.

Voldemort raised his wand, prepared to obliterate anyone who stood in his way, but Katsa pleaded, "Oh, Voldy-poo, can _I_ threaten them, just this once?"

"Well, okay," Voldemort reluctantly agreed, "But when we build a doomsday machine, I get to operate it."

Katsa nodded her head, and, electing to borrow Voldemort's wand even though she didn't need it, she authoratively shouted, "NOBODY MOVE OR EVERYONE DIES!"

And thus sparked the beginning of a happy ending, leaving the rest of the Wizarding world undeniably screwed.

**_XxXxXxXxTeH eNdInG fUnNyxXxXxXxX _**

Less than a year later, the dark duo of Tom and Katsa had taken over the world, parts of the moon, and even America, but it still wasn't enough for their evil empire. They were last seen in a show called Blues Clues, but the show was hardly recognisable as the rolling credits read _Starring Tom "Voldemort" Riddle and Magnolia "Voldemortina" Riddle._**_  
_**Sure, they both had the spiffy green shirts and khaki pants, but in a corner, held in by chains and a Death Laser, were a blue dog, a talking bar of soap, a mailbox, and various other inanimate or non-human characters made to talk. The scenery was dark and crawling with snakes.

"Silence, impudent fools, or I will blast you into oblivion!" Voldemort shouted at the chained cartoon characters in an evil way that contrasted his handsome appearence. "Oh, hey kids! Looks like it's the end of commercial break!"

"Yeah, you probably don't need us to tell you that we've held all these stupid things hostage," Voldemortina said, playfully flipping her hair so that the yellow and pink streaks momentarily flew over the choppy espresso layers. "Well, you know what that means."

"It's time to sit in our thinking chair!" Voldemort piped up. Voldemortina playfully followed Voldemort to the Thinking Chair, an overstuffed armchair awkwardly positioned in the middle of the room. "What should we do now?"

"I think we sing a song or something," Voldemortina said doubtfully. "Oh, yeah, that's it." Music started playing, along with an obnoxious set of lyrics.

_Now it's time for so long_

_But first let's sing just one more song_

_Thanks for doing your part, you lowlife fart_

_You know, with me, and you, and a Mary Sue_

_We can screw anything that we wanna screw!_

"Wow, that was awkward," said Voldemort, his arm affectionately around his lover. She moved closer as well, and he moved in to kiss her. Her heart fluttered at the excitement of a post hold-some-universe-hostage make out session, but realized the troublesome facts...

"There are people watching us," she whispered.

"Oh. Right then," he cooly said, pointing his want at the camera. "_Avada Kedavra!_"

And, as Voldemort and Voldemortina became physically intertwined, hundreds of viewers dropped dead. Voldemortine gently and tenderly felt her way into Voldemort's pants, both of them feeling the pulsation of indestructable love and affection. If you were still alive and watching, on the TV screen you would be able to see a faint glowing aura around the embracing pair, living proof that "love" is "evol" spelled backwards.

* * *

A/N: even though it's almost over, my general lack of acknowledgement still makes me sad. It takes two seconds and it means a lot to me. I feed off of reviews, so review pleez! 


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